More Varieties of Cups This Year Than Usual
Some Greyer Than Others, Sources Say
For football fans, the Grey Cup takes place Sunday, with the Calgary Stampeders facing off against the creatively named Ottawa Redblacks. This powerful bout represents a creative reimagination of the eternal spitting contest between Alberta and the seat of federal power, capturing the essence of the transcendental power struggle between the quintessential rebellious teenager and the authority figure – now with even more spilled beer, hot wings, and hollering. Political strategists and pollsters of a more occult variety have joined in on the fun, employing the match as a prognostication tool in an attempt to divine the future of the stymied pipeline projects and carbon tax debate, the usual method of looking up through a pepper mill and briskly turning the knob having only yielding disappointment and tears. Regardless of which team takes home the Cup, Edmonton shall emerge the true winners, as Jasper Avenue will no longer be blocked off to traffic, which has caused congestion, consternation, and the consumption of condiments with consumables on the concrete.
The December Super Cup
If watching live armoured handegg for the Grey Sippy Cup isn’t your preferred brand of entertainment, early December shall play host to a more exciting kind of football match – the multi-day joint hearing of Bell and the NFL’s appeal in the Supreme Court of Canada! Spectators will be treated to witnessing their fight for the right to no longer deprive Canadians the of the basic human right to American Superbowl commercial advertisements, seeking to overcome the dismissal of their case by the Federal Court of Appeal. The rationale of the Federal Court was that the appellant’s use of the relevant CRTC ruling, with the original intent of protecting Canadian broadcasters and businesses, in order to pry open Canadian networks to American influence, was unbearably ironic, and several court members rolled their eyes hard enough for them to come loose from their sockets, travelling across the courtroom floor to the horror of all present. After a complimentary counselling session for those who witnessed the incident, Bell and the NFL were permitted to take their case to the SCC, who must now play referee in this unique variety of football. Perhaps malevolently, Bell intends to deploy the same argument once more, putting the eyes of the SCC justices at grave risk. Bell cites their purported loss of 40% viewership and $11 million as sufficient grounds for overturning the rule for Canadian channels to air Canadian advertisements, which just goes to show that if a law hinders the acquisition of currency, said law is clearly unjust.